I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
