He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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