So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
