We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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