i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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