remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Use "feeling words"
Yay
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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