did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
