My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i now understand why vodka
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
