He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
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