apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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