You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
