i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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