my phone needs a breathalizer
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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