4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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