you guys were way drunker than both of me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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