my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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