I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
