I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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