Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
