Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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