I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
