hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
