My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
