i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
