Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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