Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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