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Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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