I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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