There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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