you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
