I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
