I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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