I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I believe in your delicious
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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