i just wanna soil my oats bro
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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