I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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