Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
