I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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