you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i think i just lost a toe
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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