Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
