Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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