Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
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I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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