im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
