I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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