Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
