Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
