my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
