Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
