"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
