i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
