Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Barsexuality is the new black.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
