dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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