Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
