i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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