Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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