What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
